Lately, I have stumbled upon a number of blog posts discussing bad online dating profiles. But I thought I’d try something different here and post what I consider to be a Iamnotadick [not actual username]: “I put the seat down.” About Me: Hello, my name is Jonathan and yes, I admit it, I pretty much just look at your pictures. Later on in my life an ex-girlfriend would say, “100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
So did I contact this prince with the prizewinning profile? I’m sort of off dating for the moment, plus, well, he’s not my type physically. Even with a well-written profile he doesn’t cut the mustard.
Two other guys who might be faster and smoother than you. And that’s what makes this kind of thing so sad to see…when you take forever to close the deal, you’re actually kind of hurting her feelings. Then, tell her that you think she’s really interesting and you’d like to get to know her better…like, say, over coffee this Saturday afternoon. Slam down your beer, turn to her, and ask, “Can we fucking start holding hands yet or WHAT?! (Caution: Asking for her number and then just telling her it was nice to see her tonight is not closing. Super sweet flirting, but you have to follow it up with concrete action for it to be considered closing.
Two other guys who aren’t going to let that night pass without sealing the deal. Because the other thing you don’t know is this: 90% of the time, the first one to the plate wins. But if I can tell that you kind of do…are maaaybeee thinking about it…are dropping hints left and right…and then you don’t? Because that’s when my Like for you turns into confusion, and then insecurity, and then resentment, and I don’t like being that girl. We start to think that maybe…you don’t really like us.
I wholeheartedly understand the frustration and often come across barf-inducing profiles that leave me thinking, sweet Jesus, who wrote this blather, Spencer Pratt? I’m a fun and honest guy and I have an awesome job in television.
And, there was this ovum that came from my mom, but I’m pretty sure that I was mostly the sperm part.